Who sleeps standing up?
You know, you'd be really proud of me.
I didn't even blink when I told him to go fuck himself.
- You did just then, though. - This does not count. I'm not in the moment.
I don't know, maybe I suck in bed.
Trust me, you don't suck in bed.
- Thank you. - So needy.
Hey, maybe the guy's married or something.
No, did a background check at work.
Single, no criminal history, credit report 720.
Background check. Did you do one on me?
How could you possibly max out an Old Navy card?
After college I was really into cargo pants.
Dylan, I gotta stop thinking it's not me.
- I mean, it's gotta be me. - It's not you.
Nothing is wrong with you.
He's a guy. You gave him a five-date challenge,
he got you and cutout. Forget the douche.
He's a dick. He's a dick-douche.
Go have fun with your mom.
- Okay. - Almost forgot. I got you something.
It's Lieutenant Kali, the street artist we talked about.
I got him to do something for you. "F-tale." Fairytale.
- I know you're into that girly shit, so... - This is so cool.
Dylan, that's actually really sweet.
- It's cool, right? - Yeah. Thank you.
Hey, I'm gonna need to borrow cab fare.
I'm not taking that thing on the subway. I don't wanna get rolled.
No problem.
As long as you get your feet off my bed. They're disgusting.
What are you doing?
Why are you doing that? Why are you doing that?
You're an animal. Stop doing that. An animal. Stop.
Hey, Ma.
Ma. Come on, we gotta get on the road.
Come on.
Ma?
Why did I think that this time would be any different?
- Come with me to LA. - What?
What else are you gonna do? It's 4th of July, everybody's left the city.
You're very sweet for asking, but it's fine.
You know what, I'll just stay here. I'll be fine alone.
I know you'll be fine alone. You're not a baby in a hot car.
I'm actually asking you to come because it would help me.
You'd be a great distraction for my family.
They'd forget all about drilling me for being single.
Won't they think that we're together?
- Not if I tell them we're not. - And they'll believe you?
Yeah, we're one of these crazy families that doesn't lie to each other.
PBS is doing a documentary on us.
Come on, they'll love you.
All fast-talking and brusque, like I'm bringing home a carny.
You're really nice to ask, but I'm just gonna stay here.
Go to the gym.
I just got you a ticket with my miles, it's done. Meet me at JFK.
- But... - No buts.
- Like you were gonna go to the gym. - I wasn't.
LA's so nice.
And everyone's so genuine and level-headed.
Thanks for this. You're good peeps.
You're the good peeps, dude.
You haven't met my family. You don't know what you're in for.
Okay.
You know these planes pretty much land themselves?
Nobody cares. You sound like an asshole.
She's from New York.
I'm sorry.
Wow. This looks normal.
It is.
Thank you.
Wow, you grew up here?
It was my grandfather's.
He bought it when there was nothing else here.
My dad and my sister and her son live here now.
Why would you move to New York?
I was conned by some headhunter.
- You're here. - Sammy!
Hey, Uncle Dylan.
What's up, buddy?
How are you?
Jamie, this is my nephew, Sam the Magnificent.
- Hello. - May I offer you a light for your cigarette?
I'm sorry, I don't smoke.
Just pretend. He's a magician.
Of course I'll have a cigarette. Smoking is great for you.
- Wow. Thank you, good sir. - My pleasure, my lady.
Oh, my God. I got it, I got it.
Sammy. I got it, I got it. Just stay still. I got it, I got it.
Sammy! Are you okay?
All part of the illusion.
- Jet Skis later? - Definitely.
Still into magic, huh?
Yep. But I'll take that over him sexting his friends any day.
- Dilbert! - Banannie.
Jamie, this is my sister, Annie.
- Hi. - Thank you for having me.
Oh, please. It's nice to have Dylan bring a girl home.
- We're just friends. - Oh, no, I know.
If you were his girlfriend, he never would've brought you here.
- This one has intimacy issues. - I know.
- Dylan. - Dad.
- Dylan. Oh, man. - Hey.
- How you doing, buddy? - I'm good.
I miss you guys, but I'm good.
Dede Spencer?
Jamie. Dylan's friend.
- I'm sorry. I... - That's okay.
No, for a minute you reminded me of a girl I used to know.
- No, that's okay. It happens. - Nice to meet you.
Pleasure meeting you. You have a beautiful house.
Thank you.
Pool's a little cold, but it's very expensive to heat, so...
I think I'm gonna goin and check the tide tables
'cause I'm gonna take the boat out early in the morning.
- You should come. - I would love to.
We sold the boat.
The doctor doesn't want you driving the boat any more.
- Turning to mush. - No.
It's good to see you, buddy.
- Nice to meet you. - It was nice meeting you, too.
- Jamie. See? - Yes.
- What's with the pants? - He doesn't like them any more.
He's getting worse.
It's so good to have you here.
Go show her the beach.
- Let me show you the beach. Come on. - Okay.
- Go, get sandy. Get all messed up. - Okay.
Dylan never told me about your dad.
Yeah, it's been tough on him. They were real close.
Dylan doesn't quite know how to deal with the Alzheimer's.
I'm sorry.
He'll be his regular old self and everything seems fine,
and then just in a flash, he's gone.
- That's Dylan when he was nine. - Are those braids?
He was going through a Kris Kross phase. Remember them?
- Is that your mom? - No, that's Dylan's speech therapist.
He had a stutter. It got real bad when he was nervous.
He had a rough childhood.
- His math tutor called it "character-building." - Math tutor?
No, we're talking, like, 8 times 6 equals 1,200.
But he's very visual, thank God.
- Can you please explain to me this photo? - That is my 12th-birthday surprise party.
- Hey. - Amazing moment.
I'm exhausted. I'm gonna go to bed.
- Jamie, you all good with your room? - Yeah. No, it's perfect.
Thank you. Thank you for everything.
Sammy and I built a saw-a-girl-in-half box, so just be careful on your way to bed.
- He's not using a real saw, is he? - Of course he is. He's magnificent.
I'll make sure he brushes his teeth, and you, don't believe anything she says.
She's a liar.
- He's a pretty special guy. - Yeah, I think so.
- Jamie. Hey. - Hey.
- You up? - Yeah. Come in.
- I thought you were going to bed. - I was.
But then I realized we were both single again, so...
- Dude, no. - Why not?
I washed my hands. With soap this time.
Are you serious? Why would you just assume?
You cracked your neck on the porch. This thing. That's your tell, remember?
I cracked my neck because we were on a flight for six hours,
and you were yapping my ear off about how planes all fly themselves,
and it actually kinked my neck a bit.
- So, no? - No. Not having sex with you.
Is it your special time? They have an app for that. No, wait.
- Nope, you're good to go. - We talked about this.
- Plus, I just got dumped, so... - Okay, I'm sorry.
I thought this would be a good way to take your mind off him.
No, I don't function that way. Sex is not gonna help.
But you know what will? Emotional support.
Before we were sex without emotion, and now we're emotion without sex.
Exactly.
I just need you to be my friend right now.
Okay. So I'll listen to you while you give me a hand job.
- No. - I'm kidding. I got it. Good night.
Wait, hold on! Friends can still hang out and, I don't know, listen to music.
Listen to music?
I'm gonna kill Annie.
- I can't believe you used to like them. - I didn't like these guys.
I don't even remember...
And then there's something, I don't know what he says right there...
Are you kidding me? These dudes were da bomb.
Everybody had Girbauds, we all wore them backwards.
The baseball jerseys.
I went as Kris Kross three years in a row for Halloween.
- Oh, you poor kid. - I'm not proud of it.
Hey, I borrowed one of your books. I hope that's okay.
Like this.
No.
Surprise!
Have you really never brought a girl home before?
I brought you here.
I mean like a real girl. Not a friend.
- A real girl? - Yeah.
I guess not.
- Separation of church and state. - Ah, yes.
Build up as many walls as possible. That's really healthy.
- What, are you talking to me about walls? - Yeah.
What about you and your mom?
You couldn't get me out of there fast enough when she walked in on us.
That was for your own protection. Okay?
I'm just surprised she didn't try to slip you her number or something.
She did. She put it in my phone.
- Under "MILF." - Oh, my God.
It's cool, we only hooked up, like, twice.
I'm starting to get a mental image.
Well, I have a video image.
No. Just stop it. Just stop it.
Just wrong.
What?
Nothing. Just glad I met you.
Yeah, well, knowing you doesn't suck either.
- But I thought you said... - I know what I said.
God.
Lasorda was a good pitcher, but he was an even better manager.
- Wrecking Crew? - I wasn't saying he's not a great manager.
He's underappreciated as a pitcher, that's all I'm saying.
We get it. Guys.
- Hi. - Morning.
- Good morning. - Is it always this beautiful out here?
Well, in between the fires and the floods, we get about 10 good days.
No, no. Here. You two sit together.
- Are you sure? - Oh, yeah, no, no.
- You don't have to do that, Dad. - I know. I wanna look at the boat.
I love that boat.
- Here. Sorry. - Great. Thanks.
Here.
Thank you. This... Okay.
- Coffee, my lady? - Yes, please.
Thank you.
- All right, man! - Look at you!
- That's pretty impressive. - Yay, Sammy!
All right!
Oh, buddy. Your shirt's leaking. Oh, no, that's...
Apologies.
Here.
- You okay? - Yeah.
- You? - Yeah.
- See them, Sammy? - Yeah.
- Pretty cool, huh? - Yeah.
God, it's nice.
I do miss the mornings out here. Right before it burns off, it really is beautiful.
I like Jamie.
And she's pretty, too.
Hey, easy, dude. Don't you go casting a spell on her.
I'm a magician, not a wizard. You and your gay Harry Potter.
You can't deny that going to Hogwarts wouldn't be life-changing.
- I miss you. - I miss you, too, bud.
Mom misses you. And so does Grandpa.
Does he say anything?
No. But sometimes he calls me Dylan.
He said that he didn't want the job.
That he was just coming to New York to explore his options.
What a crock of gas.
You fly across the country to explore your options?
Please. I don't think so.
Exactly! Please, I knew I had him the second he got off that plane.
- Oh, did you, now? - Yeah.
Was that the same second you leapt onto the baggage carousel barefoot
and acted out a scene from Will and Grace?
- She did? - Oh, yeah, you should have seen her.
"Look at me, I'm goofy but cute."
You know what? It was all part of my plan.
Quite a plan.
Did you major in Planning at Headhunting College?
- So clever. - It's not a real college, by the way, buddy.
You guys bicker like you're an old married couple.
Here, pick a card, my lady.
Okay.
Oh, no, not that one. The one on top.
- This is a good one. - So...
- Yeah? - Shuffle.
Did you get her an engagement gift?
We're not engaged, Dad. We're not together. We're just friends.
All right, you don't wanna label it. I understand. But get her some jewelry.
The only thing your mom loves is jewelry.
I don't care how upset she is, I get her jewelry, she lights right up.
Where is she, anyway?
- She's not here, Dad. - I know, that's why I asked. Where is she?
- She's not coming. - Why not?
She doesn't live with you any more, Pop. You're not married.
- What? - She left about 10 years ago.
I don't understand.
She divorced you, Dad.
- I have to call her. - Dad, you can't.
Stop telling me what to do.
Get your...
Grandpa!
Dylan, get...
- You okay, Dad? - I'm fine, I'm fine.
- Here, let me help you up. - No, don't. Don't!
Here we are.
This is beautiful.
Yeah, this is where I used to come to think. My rooftop.
Okay, how high do you think that fence is?
I'm a little over 6 foot.
Looks like it's about three of me. So six times three...
Ninety-two feet.
- Ninety-two feet. That's really tall, right? - Yeah.
But they don't want you to get up there, so I guess that makes sense.
- Wait. Six times three... - Oh, God, you poor kid.
- What's up? - Come on.
What? What? Where are you going?
Jamie, no, no, no, no, no, wait. They take this shit seriously, okay?
Look at all the cameras.
This is the only landmark this city has other than the Scientology Center.
And if any of these cameras are hooked up to the actual Scientology Center,
that was an inappropriate joke and I apologize.
I believe in the freedom of science fiction.
Pussy! Oh, sorry.
Pussy!
Come on!
- You really never been up here before? - No.
I've also never transferred heroin in my rectum,
'cause it's against the law.
You know, sometimes a simple yes or no answer is adequate.
Hey, why didn't you tell me about your mom?
She's not worth talking about.
That's rough.
So is leaving your husband and kids.
Yeah, you never told me about him either.
You know, there's a lot of stuff you didn't tell me.
I don't want your pity.
I can handle anything except that look in people's eyes.
- That one. - Who cares what anybody thinks?
He's the smartest man I've ever known. He's the only person I'd ever go to for advice.
He's my dad.
Dylan, he's still the same man.
When I see the way people look at him now...
It doesn't matter how people look at him.
All that matters is how you look at him.
Yeah, but he's walking around without his pants. Everyone's staring.
- So what? - It's embarrassing.
He needs to know that nothing has changed.
That he's still that same man to you.
Can we stop talking about this?
Yeah, that's really smart. Let's just not talk about our feelings.
I'm trying not to.
Come on. Is something going on here? You've been acting really weird.
- No, I haven't. - Yeah, you have.
Is this about what happened the other night?
What, sex? That doesn't mean anything. You know that.
Right.
- And I haven't been acting weird. - Okay.
- Oh, my God! - Oh, shit!
- I told you! - Well, I'm sorry!
Fuck!
This is the LAPD. You are trespassing. Get down from the sign.
We gotta jump.
- Dylan, jump! - I'm frozen.
Come on, get down!
Sin this is your last warning.
- Use the ladder! - I have a fear of heights!
And also helicopters! They don't make sense to me!
What do you mean you have a fear of heights?
Why would you come up here?
You called me a pussy!
A bizarre situation this afternoon in the Southland.
The LAPD rescued a local man from the Hollywood sign,
the city's only real landmark.
They actually wrapped you in a foil blanket!
Did you run a marathon before this?
- Okay. Give me... - No!
- No, no. I wanna save it. I gotta save it. - No. That's enough!
- Give me the remote! Shut up! - No, I wanna watch it over and over.
Foil wrapper...
Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
It's okay, it'll be up on YouTube.
Hey, you're still good to take Dad that week I have to go to DC for Sam's class trip, right?
- Yeah, he's gonna stay with me in New York. - Oh, good.
So, when are we gonna see Jamie again?
I don't know.
What's your problem? Did you have a fight with your girlfriend?
She's not my girlfriend. Why don't you believe me?
I would believe you if you didn't lie to me.
I saw you creeping out of her room the other night.
Like you had just had sex, if you know what I mean.
Yes, I know what you mean, you just said it.
And how do you know what I look like after I have...
I'm not talking to you about this, okay? We're not together.
- Dylan. - Enough! I'm not talking about it.
Dylan.
Forgot my saw. I'll be right back.
I'll wait here. Don't worry about me.
Friends who have sex? What are you, in college?
- It doesn't matter, it's over. - Why?
Because we don't like each other like that.
Okay, you know what? Can we just talk about this? Sit down.
What more are you looking for?
- Who says I'm looking for anything? - Dylan.
- I don't know, but it's not Jamie. - Why, because you're great together?
Because you're actually friends with each other?
Because this is the happiest I have ever seen you?
I don't know what to tell you. She's not for me. I don't like her like that.
- You liked her enough to have sex with her. - It's just physical.
- Like playing tennis. - I don't even know what that means, Dylan.
I haven't seen you this dumb since you got that candy corn tattoo.
It's a lightning bolt! With extra powers!
Dylan, you can't name one thing that's wrong with her.
I can never go out with her. She's too fucked up.
Okay, she doesn't want a boyfriend.
She's too damaged.
Magnum P.l. couldn't solve the shit going on in her head.
Wow. You'll say anything right now
not to admit that you're perfect for each other.
- Why am I still having this conversation? - Because I'm right.
- Good talk, Annie. - Dylan.
I don't think the three-point line would have done anything.
- He was taller than anyone alive. - No, but it helped Kobe.
- Kobe Bryant is incredible. - It helped him.
- You're men. You like sports. You're men. - Scored 81 points. Please.
Hey! We were waiting for you.
I actually got a call from work.
I have to be on a red eye tonight back to New York.
- Tonight? - Yeah.
- Tomorrow's the 4th. - I know, it sucks.
Well, at least let me drive you to the airport.
No, no. It's fine. Stay. I already called a cab. It's out front.
But thank you guys for everything.
And thank you for letting me stay here. It's been pretty great.
- Hey. - Hey.
- Everything okay, buddy? - Yeah, buddy. Everything's great.
I just really gotta go.
So, thank you again. I'm sorry I gotta go.
- Let Dylan drive you. - Yeah.
- Do you wanna take some food to go? - Do you want me to saw you in half?
You can send your bottom part to New York and your top half can stay here.
Or the whole of you could stay.
Okay, I'm sorry. I gotta go.
Jamie!
She's gone. She hopped in the cab.
- We should eat. You hungry, buddy? - Yeah.
Okay. Hand me your plate.
Hey, bro. You hungry? 'Cause I'm going to get something to eat.
Thanks, man. I think I'm just gonna work through lunch.
A work ethic. I love it. That is why this country is still number one.
Well, behind Germany and France and Belgium and Japan and China and...
Thank God for Bangladesh.
By the way, why did you take your door off its lovely hinges?
It was dumb, man. Something I saw in a management book.
Oh, right, right. Like, that's how Warren Buffett got rich.
He took doors off of things.
Hey, everybody wants a shortcut in life.
My guidebook is very simple. You wanna lose weight?
Stop eating, fatty.
You wanna make money?
Work your ass off, lazy.
You wanna be happy?
Find someone you like and never let him go.
Or her, if you're into that Kind of creepy shit.
Hi, you've reached Jamie Rellis. I can't pick up the phone right now
but please leave a message and I'll call you back.
Mom, Mom, you gotta point it at the screen. You gotta tell it where you are.
Fine. I'm over here pouring myself a drink.
Booty call. I can take a walk around the block.
No, no. Nope, that's okay.
This is your apartment. I don't wanna twat-block you.
That's Dylan, right?
- He seemed pretty great. - You met him once.
Well, that's more than anybody else you've dated.
I don't know, you think maybe I keep my worlds apart for some crazy reason?
I am an asshole.
We're looking for someone to lead the redesign of our entire website.
Someone to turn it completely upside down.
But you can't tell me what company you work for?
For confidentiality reasons, no.
Can you give me a hint?
We may or may not be the largest seller of purchased goods on the Internet.
And by 'purchased goods, ” I mean books.
You just placed the new art director over at GQ, right?
Yeah.
That's the type of guy we want. Shoot, that's the guy we want.
Can you get him to come out to us?
No longer have a relationship with him.
- Can you get to him? - He's still in the first year of his contract,
so that would be inappropriate.
So is paying full price for a book at Barnes & Noble,
but people do dumb shit.
Hi, you've reached Jamie Rellis. I can't pick up the phone right now
but please leave a message and I'll call you back.
Wow, right to voice mail. Didn't even ring.
Jamie.
How'd you know I was up here?
Only place in the city you don't get reception.
Right.
- Why are you avoiding me? - I'm not.
Really? Come on, Jamie.
Well, Dylan, I don't know if you've heard, but I am seriously fucked up.
I mean, Magnum P.I. couldn't solve the shit going on up here.
- Oh, my God, I'm sorry. - But I'm just gonna go
and try to fix the shit going on up in my head, if that's even possible.
I shouldn't have said that. I was just trying to get my sister off my back.
- She thought we liked each other. - Yeah, me, too, Dylan.
I thought we were friends.
But friends don't go talking shit about each other,
which must mean that you and I were actually never friends.
- That all you wanted was to get in my pants. - What?
You jumped at the chance at your dad's house.
You cracked your neck.
I thought you were giving me a sign. We talked about this.
Oh, my God, really?
You pulled my robe off. "Oopsy." Remember?
Yeah. And then you snuck out of the room.
"Oopsy." Remember that?
Are you pissed off at me because I didn't cuddle?
Isn't that why we started this whole arrangement in the first place?
You wanted this.
I wanted this?
Just me?
God, you are just like every other guy.
The sad thing is, Dylan, I actually thought you were different.
Different from what? I'm not your boyfriend, I'm your friend.
Well, with friends like you, who needs friends?
And thank you for ruining my mountaintop.
Asshole.
Hey, man, you can't be up here.
Okay.
- You okay? - I'm fine.
Bryce, is this for me?
Yeah. And so is this.
Madison, will you many me?
You bet your ass, Flapjack!
- I love New York. - I love you.
Oh, my God. Look, the Empire State Building.
Wow.
Oh, look, the Statue of Liberty.
Hello, this is Jamie.
What do you mean they went to him directly?
Well, is he gonna take it?
No, no, no, no, no. I'll handle it. I'll call him right now.
Okay.
Hey this is Dylan. Leave a message.
Excuse me. May I help you?
Oh, hi. Where's Dylan Harper?
He's at a photo shoot for the sports issue.
That's right. The photo shoot. Where was that again?
I'm sorry. Who are you?
One of the models.
I have the perfect body for Photoshop.
Yeah, this gets more angular, these get longer,
and this gets way more Christian.
So where did you say he was again?
Sports is the last chance we have of bringing our world together, bro.
So I just wanted to shoot some photos that speak to that,
to the unification of all people through sports.
Okay, guys. Let's go.
That's it.
Beautiful.
Okay, now put your arms around each other,
like you like each other, like you love each other.
- Too gay? - A little bit.
Throw some girls in there.
Come on, ladies. Hop to.
Girls, girls. Okay, look. Just blend in.
Okay, let's go boy, girl, boy...
- Dylan. - ...boy, boy, boy, boys.
- What are you doing here? - You met for another job!
- What, are you gonna leave now? - I don't know. Yeah, I took one meeting.
- I can't believe you. - Come here.
- Is this your way of getting back at me? - What?
You know that if you leave before a year is up, I get screwed.
Oh, right.
If I did leave,
which I don't know yet because all I did was take one meeting,
I'd write you a check for your bonus.
Whatever it is, I'll pay for it. Happy now? We good?
- Why didn't you tell me you were looking? - That's personal.
And we're not friends any more. You made that pretty clear.
See, all I wanted to do was have sex with you. Remember?
Pretend you were the best friend I'd ever had.
Open up to you like I've never done with anyone ever.
And then when the sex stopped, invite you to LA for the weekend
to introduce you to my family.
- I'll send you a check if I take the job. - Don't bother.
Why don't you pick him up?
Yeah. Just pick him on up.
Oh, you little Christ figure, you!
- Hey, Dyl. - Dad's coming into Newark Airport, right?
Yeah, he leaves at 9:00 our time.
9:00. So it's a five-hour flight, three-hour time difference,
so he gets in at 321007
5:00. Be there at 5:00, Dylan.
Right. How is Dad?
He's lost more often than not now.
But then he has these moments of real clarity. It's hit or miss.
- Okay. - How's Jamie?
- That's over. - Oh, Dylan!
- Okay, we're done. - Don't be an idiot, please.
Thank you, Annie. I'll pick up Dad tomorrow at the airport.
- 32:00 sharp. - I love you.
I don't know what it is.
I just can't get myself to start looking for a replacement for him,
assuming that he leaves.
- Do you want some motherly love advice? - Not really.
Oh, good, 'cause I don't know how to do that.
What I do know is that it's no great goddamn secret
you live in fear of repeating my mistakes.
And you're not wrong, so learn from me.
Do you know how many men in my life I thought were really perfect?
- Eighty. - One.
- Eighty-one? - One.
It was your dad. Greatest man I ever met.
Obviously. Look at you.
How smart you are, how great, how funny, how driven.
Your vaguely Middle Eastern beauty.
Sure as hell didn't all come from me.
Okay, but, seriously, Mom,
do you really not remember where my dad's from?
Or is it like a coping mechanism?
- A little of both. - Okay.
But I'm pretty sure he's Eurasian.
I mean, we all have our Prince Charming, you just gotta know him when you see him.
Mom, it's Prince Charming. You should just know.
Well, your Prince Charming isn't coming to rescue you in a horse and carriage.
That's not who you want.
I mean, you're looking for a man to be your partner.
To take on the world with.
You gotta update your fairytale, baby.
My Prince Charming?
You.
Mom.
- Hey. - A wheelchair. Like I'm an invalid.
- How was the flight? - I'm hungry.
You know they don't serve food in coach any more?
You'd think with these new planes, they practically fly themselves,
they could get rid of a pilot and use his salary for a hot lunch.
- I know, right? Let's get you some food. - God.
The engineering on these planes is so advanced.
Completely computerized.
- It's like playing a video game. - Exactly.
God. How long have we been waiting here? It's ridiculous.
I'll be right back, okay?
Excuse me. We've been waiting a while.
- Harper. - Yeah, I got you. I got you.
I have to seat people in the order they came.
I totally understand that, but I'm with my dad
- and he's not in the best shape. - I'm sorry.
Is there no way we could, like, squeeze a table?
No, I gotta go by the list. Sorry.
Dad?
Shit. Dad?
You gonna join me?
Absolutely.
Excuse me, sir. I'm sorry, you cannot do this.
Could I get a steak, medium, please?
- Sir, this is the Daily Grill. - Make that two.
Dede? Dede!
Dad.
Who is Dede?
Jesus. She's just a girl that I met in the Navy.
Was...
She was the love of my life.
Okay?
Why didn't you tell me about her before?
This is not something you discuss with your children.
And besides, I have you and Annie. I have no regrets.
So tell me now.
She was the love of my life.
And I was too stupid to realize it,
and I lost her because of something so dumb I don't even remember.
And I never really got over her.
And I think that may be one of the reasons your mom left.
You know, my friends used to say that when Dede and I looked at each other,
it was electric.
And I let her go.
I just let her go.
Because I was too damn proud to tell her howl really felt about her.
I'll tell you something that I wish I knew when I was your age.
And I know you've heard a million times, "life is short."
But let me tell you something, what this is teaching me
is that life is goddamn short and you can't waste a minute of it.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
The girl I brought home to LA, Jamie?
- Yeah, what's going on with her? - I think I messed it up.
- Fix it. - She won't talk to me.
Maybe she'll listen. There's always a way.
If you think there's even a chance that she could be it, you fix it.
Did Annie put you up to this?
Who's Annie?
I'm kidding.
What, I can't joke about this?
- Jesus Christ, Dad. - I don't know what else to do.
Let's go.
You don't want to finish your steak?
We're eating in the goddamn airport. I can leave the steak. Come on.
Yeah, hey, this is Dylan Harper from GQ. We meta few weeks ago at the...
Right. Hey, can I ask you a huge favor?
- I am so sorry, sir. - It's my fault.
- You just scared me. - No, no. My fault. You all right?
- Yeah, I'm good. - Here, let me help you with that.
- Thanks, man. You're really nice. - All right. Hey, safe travels.
- All right, thanks, man. - Okay, thank you.
You gotta be fucking kidding me. All right, let's dance, Clowny Brown.
- What's your problem with me? - I saw you at that bar with Jamie.
How could such an awesome girl be with this over this?
I've been trying to take that little monkey to pound-town for years.
- I'll tell her you say hello. - What?
You missed a little. There you go.
Dylan! I got a cab. Come on.
I ever run into you again,
I'll crush your earlobes and make soup stock out of them.
- You have a vivid imagination. - I do!
- I'm gonna get in the cab now. - I'm gonna go make soup!
- What's the matter with her? - I don't know.
God! I thought LA was bad. This traffic is terrible.
Is there another way into the city?
I owe you big time, Tommy.
You'll make it up to me. Actually, I was heading into town anyway.
Tonight's the Butterfly Ball. Great place to pick up dudes.
- You okay, Dad? - Are you kidding?
1937 Chris-Craft? Couldn't get any better, buddy.
Nice.
Yeah. Hi, this is Dylan. We met at...
Right. Can I ask you a huge favor?
My number. Here's the remote.
My friend Dave from across the hall, his oven broke, so he'll be using the kitchen.
Your friend Dave is here using the kitchen or watching me?
Go.
- Holy... - What?
"How to wear white pants to a cookout."
Did you scoop the Times on this? I smell Pulitzer.
All right, all right.
Just say hello to her for me, will you?
See you, Dad.
Thanks, man.
Hi, Dave from across the hall.
Hi, Mr. Harper. How are you?
And now we know why you're here.
Mom, I'm over by the Lexington exit. Where are you?
I'm standing right by the guy in the tie.
- There are a million guys in ties. - So look for the guy I'm standing next to.
You never do what you say you're gonna do. When am I gonna learn?
Just hang on, baby.
What?
I don't think I'm gonna be able to make it after al/.
Something came up. Let's meet tomorrow.
I'll be on the stairs. Right across from you.
Oh, my God.
Have a great night, baby.
What is this?
It's Closing Time, by the band Semisonic!
It's not Third Eye Blind. Can you believe that?
No, no, no. Not the song. This.
You said you wanted your life to be like a movie.
Sorry I had to use the real Grand Central instead of the fake one.
Listen, Jamie, I'm...
I'm having trouble hearing you!
Yeah, I didn't really think this through.
I guess in the movies the guy pours his heart out
and they put the music in later.
What?
I messed up.
I was scared.
Look at what happened with my mom and my dad.
Of course I was scared.
So I ruined it.
Everything that happens in the day,
all I can think to myself is, "I can't wait to tell Jamie about this."
When I see someone cursing, all I picture is you blinking.
And when I hear a kid's been cured of cancer, I pray it's not by that douchebag,
tree-hugging fucking doctor who ran out on you.
I mean, cancer being cured is awesome, but, you know, I wish someone else did it.
Come on.
Hey, I miss you.
Yeah, I miss you, too.
But you're not wrong, I am damaged.
So am I. Who isn't?
That's what makes us so awesome.
- And our tattoos. - Yeah.
- No, no, no. - Shut up. It's not what you think.
Jamie, will you be my best friend again?
- That is so lame. - I know.
That's some Prince Charming shit, though, right?
- Get up. - Okay.
Look, I can live without ever having sex with you again.
It'd be really hard.
Hey, I want my best friend back,
because I'm in love with her.
- Under one condition. - Anything.
Kiss me.
- In public? In front of all these people? - I did not ask you to...
You can all go home now.
Okay. So...
- What do we do now? - Have our first date.
Okay.
Oh, my God! Did you get a horse and carriage?
Yeah, that's not for you.
Oh, thank God. Horses actually scare the shit out of me.
- Really? - Yeah.
So, where are you from?
- Outside of Philly, actually. - Interesting.
- I'm from LA, just moved to New York. - Interesting. Didn't really ask, but go on.
What? I'm excited, I'm on a first date. So...
This isn't weird at all.
- We're okay. - Yeah. Thank you.
So...
Yeah, fuck it.
Roll credits, roll credits, roll credits. And here come the outtakes.
Because if the actors had a good time making it, it must be good.
You bet your ass, Jason.
Oh, my God, I just called him Jason.
Look, the crew's laughing.
They made me do it! They made me do it.
It's my favorite part.